GROWING PAINS

You’re all comfortable with super vulnerable discussions about mental health issues and insecurities, right? No? Okay, great. Let’s change that and dive right in!

Being human is aalllll about being uncomfortable. What I’m learning though, is that it’s what you do with the uncomfortability that matters the most.  After all, that’s where all the true self-love, enlightenment and magic happens.

It certainly doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the thick of it, though! In fact, it can feel very much the opposite of magic. When you’re going through the shit mentally, it can be the most isolating of experiences. I’ve been there before and I am currently here now. It’s different this time, I have more tools in my tool belt from all the times I’ve been here before, which makes it a bit easier, but still difficult all the same.

This last week has been a tough one for me. I found wounds in myself that I didn’t know were there, needing healing, but I welcome the experience! I am looking forward to meeting my new self in the end!

Last week I found myself questioning if all the people I know and love are angry with me or annoyed by me for no apparent reason. I conjured up these ridiculous stories in my head about why at least three people might potentially not want to speak to me. I texted one of them to ask if my suspicion was true….and then twenty minutes later realized that I was, in fact, being paranoid and texted them again to disregard the message, but then continued to question it silently for the remainder of the night.

I did a meditation a few days later regarding another person I thought was irrationally irritated with me in an effort to stave off the temptation to make a fool of myself again via text message. This is one of the tools in my tool belt. It allows me to walk myself through each scenario that I’ve made up and one by one, decide if I have reason to believe that it is true. You must be able to differentiate between reality and your own internal lies in order for this method to work, and for me it is extremely helpful.

Then tonight, I talked on the phone with one of my best friends for the first time in a couple of months. I was excited to talk with her and we had much to catch up on! My human design is very easily over stimulated, often when I get too excited or nervous, I develop a laughing tic where I laugh after almost everything that I say, or I get sick to my stomach (it has taken me a long time to learn to analyze myself and learn who I am – and I’m still learning).

After our conversation, I felt terribly annoyed with myself for laughing so much. I felt like she was probably even more annoyed than I was. I texted her to tell her that I’m working on this habit and asked her to help keep me accountable and point it out when I’m doing it. Again, feeling horribly vulnerable and insecure.

But, at this point I know that one of the worst things you can do when you’re going through a period of growth (this is what I call mental turmoil and unsavory personality traits), is sit in it alone. You gotta let that shit out! Talk to someone that you love, who knows you well and you feel will be able to gently remind you of who you are, your importance in the world and reassurance that you’re not crazy!

Or if you don’t want to talk about it, write it out in a journal. Meditate. Pray. Read a self help book (my therapy of choice). Build your tool box.

Eventually, these tools will help you rebuild your frame of mind and more importantly…L E A R N. Learn who you are, learn to unlearn everything you were taught by others who didn’t know themselves. Others who were doing the best that they could but had their own trauma they were tending to. Others who don’t know how to process their emotions, so they project their internal affairs onto you.

It’s important work! Your healing allows you to be the best version of yourself and also allows you to shine a light for others to work on their own healing!

So when I’m crawling through the mud (as we all continuously do), I take a step back and remind myself that I am whole on my own. I am the universe. I am magic. I am W O R T H Y of happiness. I am human and this is a human experience. And then I lean a little further in to the confusion and ask myself W H Y am I here,  W H A T do I need to learn and H O W do I get there?

I wanted to share this message so that if you too, are doing some growing, you know that you’re not alone. There are people that you may never know by outside appearances, are insecure and trudging through their own internal battles. And if you feel like you need a friend, send me a DM and we can be new besties. We’re in this together!

P.S. How crazy is this tarot reading that I pulled for myself this morning? Seems as though the universe is giving me a nudge and guiding me to peace.